You're Not Being Kidnapped; You're Drunk

You know, there's being drunk and then there's being drunk. But apparently, you can get so drunk that you're completely unaware of what is going on around you. On top of that, you're also so obliterated that you're completely unable to process anything going on around you. That's when you call 911 and tell them that you're being kidnapped. That's right. Kidnapped. By those nice police officers giving you a ride home. Wait. What?

Correct. According to the fine folks over yonder at NJ.com, this intoxicated individual, whose name was not released (and for which this individual is probably thanking God for repeatedly) had been found by law enforcement officers when they were investigating a different call. At some point and for some reason, they decided to transport the man home. Now, to do so, they had to put him in the back seat of the police cruiser. Seems reasonable.

I don't know about you, but I've been in a police car before. (I'm not saying whether it was the front or the back, either.) And I can tell you that it looks nothing like a regular car. In fact, it looks pretty different from most cars except cars that are police cars. It wouldn't be all that hard to discern that one was in a police car even if one was completely obliterated. I mean, even if you couldn't figure that out from the interior of the vehicle, you'd think that the uniformed chaps driving the thing might be a clue. Nope. Not for our hero here.

Nope. As he was "...being driven to his southern New Jersey home by troopers" the man "...called 911 and claimed they were kidnapping him." Now, can someone explain to me why every single recording of someone calling 911 because the McDonald's was out of McNuggets is available for public consumption, but something as highly entertaining as this has not yet been released?! Why is that?! I need to hear how THAT went down!

The article states that "After making the fake 911 call, he continued to be disorderly despite repeated warnings." What's more disorderly than calling 911 and saying that you're being kidnapped when a couple of state troopers are giving you a ride home because you're completely plowed? I can't imagine and the article doesn't say. It's quite unfortunate if you're asking me.

I'm sure that you can guess how this whole thing worked itself out, right? You got it. "When the troopers pulled over and tried to arrest him, he resisted but was eventually restrained and taken back to the barracks. He was charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and obstruction." That man is a genius. Pure genius, I'm telling you. Oh, but how I wish they had done a breathalyzer test on him. I'd like to know exactly what one's blood alcohol content has to be in order to not recognize that some policemen are giving you a ride home and you are not being kidnapped (in what must have seemed like a technologically well-outfitted gang of kidnappers).

It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin

What's going on in the world of crime these days, you ask? Same old, same old. Bunches of idiots, all trying to break the law, with some failing in a spectacular fashion.

Let's first start in Springfield, Massachusetts where Breitbart.com tells us about a one Chamil Guadarrama. Mr. Guadarrama, aged 30-years old and old enough to know better, was arrested at a Bath and Body Works with what must have had to have been extremely chafed skin. Now, allegedly, Mr. Guadarrama was chased by mall security officers. Shockingly, the most surprising aspect of this story will not be that mall security officers can actually run. No, the most surprising aspect will be that Mr. Guadarrama could barely run himself. Because his pants were stuffed full of lotion that he was allegedly stealing. All alleged 75 bottles of it. Wait. What now? Allegedly?

That's correct. Mr. Guadarrama had 75 8-ounce bottles of lotion shoved down his pants. I didn't read anywhere in the story that Mr. Guadarrama was eight feet tall, so I'm presuming him to be of normal height and semi-normal girth. Along those same lines, I'm also presuming him to be of less than below average intelligence for attempting this caper of the inexplicable.

According to the folks over at MassLive.com "...Guadarrama was found with 75 8-ounce glass bottles of lotion stuffed into his pants." Glass bottles? How did he get them all in there, you ask? "A clerk at the store spotted Guadarrama slipping bottles of lotion through his zipper..." Never mind. Too much information. (I guess I thought it would have been harmless to know, but now I'm really sorry I asked.)

Honestly, did this guy think that this would work? He has 75 bottles of lotion in his pants which are tied at the bottom with a string (you know, so the lotion doesn't fall out as he hobbles off to make his getaway). He can barely walk. He certainly can't run at anything above a lethargic trot. How was all of this falling in place in his head? I can't imagine. There's also the fact that someone at the store might notice that suddenly they're out of lotion!

That equals out to 37-1/2 pounds of lotion. And that's just the liquid! That's almost 5 gallons of lotion. And that IS just the liquid! But none of those figures are including the weight of the containers! As you can imagine with that much stuff crammed into your pants, he didn't exactly tear out of the mall like Usain Bolt or anything. According to a one Sgt. John M. Delaney, Guadarrama "...had a hard time running and was extremely bowlegged.” Ya think?! AND, in the utmost example of irony "Guadarrama’s legs were also “extremely chaffed” when he was taken into custody following his run (and) He needed the use of some of the stolen items." OK, soooo...what was going on here?

Wait. Let's wait a minute. Let's not worry about what he was thinking for just a moment and instead, let's focus on what in the hell he could need that much lotion for! Was he planning to be like that freaky guy in Silence of the Lambs? You know, the "It puts the lotion on it's skin" dude. (Creepy show. Awesome, but creepy as hell.) I needed to know! But then I might have found out and I didn't want to know anymore.

Doing your basic Google search (please click, as it's highly amusing), I came upon a Chamil Guadarrama who was a registered sex offender in Framingham, Mass. Ew!! Said offenses which landed the alleged lotion thief on the list by which those who offend sexually were stated as being: Indecent A&B on a Person over 14; Assault on Child with intent to Rape; and Rape. He appears to have been convicted of all of those in November of 2005. Ummm....Framingham? Massachusetts? Anyone? What in the hell was this guy doing out of jail? Out of prison? Out of anywhere with or without lotion?!?! Seriously, Massachusetts?! This guy is out there raping what appear to be children or at the very least, a child and y'all let him out of jail less than 5 years later?! Why would that be?! Did you cut his unit off first? No? Then I'm still going to be waiting for a logical reason as to why this guy is roaming the streets with his pants crammed with what is likely to be very pleasant smelling bodily lotions.

Note to self: Avoid Framingham, Massachusetts like the freaking plague!

This can't end well.

Worst. Getaway. Ever.

Got time for another Walmart story? This one's in Pennsylvania! That's not really that far from where the last one of these stories took place. Maybe just look at it as our sort of working our way across the Walmart denizens of the eastern states?

CBS3 gives us our report on this story. It would seem that a one 32-year old and old enough to know better Craig David Jr., of Smithfield, PA needed to have a prescription filled. Naturally, the place you'd go to have that done is your local Walmart pharmacy. The report isn't clear as to what Mr. David's prescription was, but it did say that he had "...just been released from a hospital." It would seem that he had some injuries stemming from a domestic incident (Translation: A wife and/or girlfriend beat the holy living S out of him). These injuries occurred when Mr. Davis was "...hit with a frying pan and a table leg." Judging from this incident, I'd have to say that Mr. David is apparently some sort of cartoon character. Who else gets hit with frying pans?

Anyway, he had contacted an ex-girlfriend of sorts who had agreed to pay for his medication. When she met him at the Walmart, he was still wearing his hospital gown. Judging from this behavior, I'd have to say that Mr. David is apparently some sort of cartoon character. Who else shows up at the Walmart wearing their hospital gown? Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital if you're wearing one of those?

Now, I'd think that the medication would be pretty important. I'm guessing it's some sort of pain reduction medication to help relieve any aches and pains sustained during the cast iron attack which occurred on January 1 (Happy New Year, you idiot!). But it didn't seem to be as important to Mr. David as that fifty bucks that his ex-girlfriend was going to give him to cover the cost. No, that's why he took the fifty dollars and fled. On a motorized shopping scooter. Wait. What now?

That's correct. He took the fifty bucks from her, hopped on one of those in-store Rascal-like contraptions and attempted to make his getaway. Judging from that sort of behavior, I'd have to say that Mr. David is apparently some sort of cartoon character.

How fast do those things go? ONE mile an hour? TWO? They're for hauling your ass around the store while you shop, it's not like they need to meet NASCAR qualification standards or anything. Was this Walmart at the top of some sort of hill? Some sort of very tall hill with very flat paved roads leading away from it? How could he not think that he'd get caught when he was making a getaway on an object that most people can walk faster than?

Here's the part that I really don't get: He seemed to see fit to walk into the place! He didn't need any sort of assistance doing that! Perhaps that long jaunt from the parking lot or wherever just plain ol' tuckered him out and he had planned on taking a little rest, but then realized that he had all of that fleeing to do and hopped on the scooter. I really don't know. But I can't imagine that he thought he was going to get anywhere anytime soon on one of those things! Have you ever been behind one of those in the stores? It's a nightmare. You're better off just turning around and walking clear around the entire store to get in front of them than you are waiting for them to get out of your way!

It will come as no surprise to you (I hope) that Mr. David was apprehended and charged with robbery and disorderly conduct. I don't understand why they didn't slap him with joyriding or grand theft scooter cart or something as well. I'd really like to know how far he got on that thing and how, exactly, he was "apprehended". Did the officer just jog along side of him and read him his rights? Seriously, what is wrong with people?

Welcome to the Chattanooga Walmart

If we're going strictly by what we see over at People of Walmart (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, please click that link and take a gander and you'll see what I mean), we could be left with the impression that those sorts of people would behave in a certain sort of way. Then again, if we had evidence to back up that theory, it wouldn't be much of an assumption now, would it? No, it would not. And trust me, it isn't.

Dateline: The Chattanooga, Tennessee Walmart.

Sub-dateline: On Gunbarrel Road. (No, I did not make that up.)

According to the Chattanoogan.com (didn't make that up either, but I kind of wish that I had), on December 27, 2009, a one Joseph Anthony Hill tried "...to force his way pass the Wal-Mart greeter with a shopping cart loaded with TVs and a computer." Of course he did. At that point "Wal-Mart loss prevention personnel attempted to stop Hill" but "he forced his way past them and refused to produce his receipt." Huh. They don't seem to be very good at the "loss prevention" part of their job if they can't stop the "loss" of some TVs and a computer, though I will note that they called them "personnel" and not "specialists", so I guess they've kind of admitted right there that there's not much they're going to be able to do. But, rather than discussing the semantics of job titles regarding the Walmart door Nazis, let's take a gander at Mr. Hill, shall we? Behold!

Yeah, that seems about right. Back to the loss prevention personnel. It's highly likely that they probably wouldn't have been able to do anything if it hadn't been for an off duty policeman, a one Officer Josh Wright, who saw the hubbub and stepped in. He identified himself as a cop and showed the (allegedly) thieving Mr. Hill his badge. Mr. Hill looked at said badge, determined it was fake and attempted to continue on his merry and feloniously thieving ways. This resulted in Mr. Hill getting taken down to the ground by Officer Wright and placed under arrest. No word on where the loss prevention personnel was during all of this. I'm guessing that they were probably scrutinizing the receipt of someone that they just barely watched buy a pack of gum not five feet from where they were standing.

Now, in some states or in some shopping establishments, that might have been the end of the ordeal. But when I tell you that Mr. Hill was there with his wife, a one Lisa Hill, you can probably ascertain for yourself that the incident did not stop there.

For some reason, within moments of her beloved spouse's arrest, Ms. Hill "...began acting as if she was having a heart attack and stated she did not know Hill." Wait. She what?

She feigned a heart attack. A heart attack that...also...brought upon...amnesia? What now? How does that happen? "OH, my God! My heart! My heart! I think I'm having a heart attack and I definitely do not know who that guy is! Nope! Never seen him before! Ever! My heart! My heart!" The article doesn't explain how these two go hand in hand, so we're going to have to assume that it was just like the scenario I just laid out there.

Some time during the midst of this production, a witness "...told Officer Wright that Lisa Hill was lying and that she had observed both the Hills in the store together." Really?! I am shocked. Simply shocked! What else?

Well, I guess that the witness figured that she had done her good deed for the day and attempted to leave the Walmart. That's when Mrs. Hill suddenly recovered from her cardiac arrest sufficiently enough to begin calling the woman a liar. She had made such an improvement from her alleged heart attack only moments before that she managed to summon the strength to follow the witness out to the parking lot and even found the energy to threaten the woman along the way. At some point, her complete recovery was witnessed by Mrs. Hill grabbing the woman's hair, throwing her to the ground and pummeling her with her fists. All they need now is a referee and a whole lot of Jell-O and they've got themselves a party! (And probably a traveling reality show.)

Now, I don't know what I would do in that situation if I were the one being attacked by a recently recovered cardiac arrest induced amnesiac. I'm sure I would have been yelling for help. I might have tried to grab for my cell phone. (No! Not to video it and put it on YouTube! To call 911, you cynic!) But the woman in this situation knew exactly what to do. That's right. She took a knife out of her purse and stabbed the woman!

Oh, my God! What the hell is going on over there at the Tennessee Walmarts?! Good Lord! Look, there are plenty of people out there that I'd like to stab. There are certainly plenty of people out there that I've thought about stabbing. The problem is that it is rare that I ever have a stabbing implement with me at the time. This woman had one all ready to go and handy right there in her purse! The article doesn't state what kind of knife it was. It could have been one of those big ol' Bowie knives that you can behead a deer with. Or (and I'm guessing, most likely) it could have been one that she had stolen from the Sizzler. The bottom line is she had a knife in her purse and she stabbed a crazy fake heart attack woman in the parking lot of a Walmart.

What have we learned here? Quite a bit, I'd say! We've learned that loss prevention at Walmart isn't very effective unless, strictly by coincidence, there is an off duty cop there at the same time. We've learned that the mass theft schemes of folks like Joseph Hill are highly ineffective. We've learned that some people believe that a heart attack will also cause you to lose your memory for a very short period of time, but that you can be reinvigorated a short time later and just enough to assault a fellow shopper. And finally, we've learned that it doesn't seem all that odd for a woman to be packing some sort of stabbing utensil in her purse for just such an occasion while she shops at Walmart.

Oh, and we've also learned that those pictures over there at People of Walmart are definitely worth at least a thousand words and that we can make a fairly reasonable guess as to what those words are going to say.