It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin

What's going on in the world of crime these days, you ask? Same old, same old. Bunches of idiots, all trying to break the law, with some failing in a spectacular fashion.

Let's first start in Springfield, Massachusetts where Breitbart.com tells us about a one Chamil Guadarrama. Mr. Guadarrama, aged 30-years old and old enough to know better, was arrested at a Bath and Body Works with what must have had to have been extremely chafed skin. Now, allegedly, Mr. Guadarrama was chased by mall security officers. Shockingly, the most surprising aspect of this story will not be that mall security officers can actually run. No, the most surprising aspect will be that Mr. Guadarrama could barely run himself. Because his pants were stuffed full of lotion that he was allegedly stealing. All alleged 75 bottles of it. Wait. What now? Allegedly?

That's correct. Mr. Guadarrama had 75 8-ounce bottles of lotion shoved down his pants. I didn't read anywhere in the story that Mr. Guadarrama was eight feet tall, so I'm presuming him to be of normal height and semi-normal girth. Along those same lines, I'm also presuming him to be of less than below average intelligence for attempting this caper of the inexplicable.

According to the folks over at MassLive.com "...Guadarrama was found with 75 8-ounce glass bottles of lotion stuffed into his pants." Glass bottles? How did he get them all in there, you ask? "A clerk at the store spotted Guadarrama slipping bottles of lotion through his zipper..." Never mind. Too much information. (I guess I thought it would have been harmless to know, but now I'm really sorry I asked.)

Honestly, did this guy think that this would work? He has 75 bottles of lotion in his pants which are tied at the bottom with a string (you know, so the lotion doesn't fall out as he hobbles off to make his getaway). He can barely walk. He certainly can't run at anything above a lethargic trot. How was all of this falling in place in his head? I can't imagine. There's also the fact that someone at the store might notice that suddenly they're out of lotion!

That equals out to 37-1/2 pounds of lotion. And that's just the liquid! That's almost 5 gallons of lotion. And that IS just the liquid! But none of those figures are including the weight of the containers! As you can imagine with that much stuff crammed into your pants, he didn't exactly tear out of the mall like Usain Bolt or anything. According to a one Sgt. John M. Delaney, Guadarrama "...had a hard time running and was extremely bowlegged.” Ya think?! AND, in the utmost example of irony "Guadarrama’s legs were also “extremely chaffed” when he was taken into custody following his run (and) He needed the use of some of the stolen items." OK, soooo...what was going on here?

Wait. Let's wait a minute. Let's not worry about what he was thinking for just a moment and instead, let's focus on what in the hell he could need that much lotion for! Was he planning to be like that freaky guy in Silence of the Lambs? You know, the "It puts the lotion on it's skin" dude. (Creepy show. Awesome, but creepy as hell.) I needed to know! But then I might have found out and I didn't want to know anymore.

Doing your basic Google search (please click, as it's highly amusing), I came upon a Chamil Guadarrama who was a registered sex offender in Framingham, Mass. Ew!! Said offenses which landed the alleged lotion thief on the list by which those who offend sexually were stated as being: Indecent A&B on a Person over 14; Assault on Child with intent to Rape; and Rape. He appears to have been convicted of all of those in November of 2005. Ummm....Framingham? Massachusetts? Anyone? What in the hell was this guy doing out of jail? Out of prison? Out of anywhere with or without lotion?!?! Seriously, Massachusetts?! This guy is out there raping what appear to be children or at the very least, a child and y'all let him out of jail less than 5 years later?! Why would that be?! Did you cut his unit off first? No? Then I'm still going to be waiting for a logical reason as to why this guy is roaming the streets with his pants crammed with what is likely to be very pleasant smelling bodily lotions.

Note to self: Avoid Framingham, Massachusetts like the freaking plague!

This can't end well.

2009, Take Jon Gosselin With You. Please!

Let's end this year by one last post (for the year, not forever) about the asshat that is Jon Gosselin, shall we? I should have known that something regarding him was going to surface shortly because things had just been too darn quiet on the guy-with-eight-children-divorces-wife-and-acts-like-an-a-hole-in-public front for too darn long. And if any of Jon Gosselin's other antics were any indication, he's such a media whore that it was likely just killin' him that his self-congratulatory mug of much greater girth was not plastered all over the Internet and the supermarket tabloid covers. What to do? What to do? Slink away quietly into oblivion and try to co-raise your eight children without very many public to-dos? Naaahhh. What say you allegedly fake up a burglary of your New York apartment so that you can blame it on the chick that you've been sleeping with, all right? All right!

Here's the scoop: According to the alphabet folks over there at ABC News, Jon Gosselin had spent Christmas with his children (shocking, I know!) and when he returned home to his apartment in New York, it was to "...find his brand new, Upper West Side apartment burglarized and wrecked beyond belief." Huh. Really? Hmmm. What else?

Well, according to his lawyer, a one Mark Heller (fitting), "he entered his apartment in Manhattan and was horrified, disheartened and saddened to observe the devastation of his furniture, clothing and personal belongings, which were apparently slashed with a butcher knife by a very troubled and sick perpetrator." Um, since when did statements by lawyers turn into Shakespearean soliloquies? "Disenheartened and saddened to observe"? Who in the heck says stuff like that in regard to coming home to find some of your stuff missing and your remaining stuff trashed? Not many people that I know, that's for sure. My reaction upon coming home to something like that would have been, "WTF" and "911". But, according to his spokeshole attorney, Jon's reaction was that he "...immediately contacted me and facilitated the able assistance of the New York City Police Department who immediately dispatched an experienced detective to Jon's apartment." Huh.

Now, maybe it's just because I don't have eight children and haven't recently divorced my wife because I'm such a dill hole that I don't understand that reaction. His first reaction is to call his attorney? Because he couldn't "facilitate the able assistance of the NYPD" on his own? Is he not familiar with 911 and how that whole system works? Did he forget the number to 911? I don't understand why he had to call his attorney first. And what's with the mentioning that they "immediately" sent out an "experienced detective"? Was he afraid we'd all get the impression that the NYPD took their time before sending over a complete idiot? I don't get that.

The spokeshole/attorney claimed that Jon "found a note "speared" into his wooden dresser. His television, CD player, coffee maker, Nintendo Wii, dishes, pots and pans had been taken from his home. Clothing, luggage and bedding were slashed." All right. Hold on a minute. A person who is going to steal a Wii, a TV and a CD player is not the same person who is going to steal pots and pans. What's up with that? And a note "speared" into the dresser? Is this like some really bad, unaired episode of The Sopranos or something? Who does that? Actually, who rips off and then trashes someones apartment and then leaves a note? Um, no one. That's who. No one.

Now, it would appear that asshat Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend or whatever she is, Hailey Glassman, were sharing that apartment. It has since been claimed by Hailey that he was "abusive" towards her and she moved out. Glassman's attorney, a one Anand Ahuja (pronounce that any way you'd like) says, that Hailey "....didn't take anything from that apartment that she was not entitled to take with her." OK, this is starting to make a little more sense. See if you follow me here.

He goes back to Pennsylvania or Transylvania or wherever the heck he's from and while he's gone, she makes like a tree and leaves. She grabs her stuff (hence the disappearance of the pots and pans) and takes it with her. She doesn't tell him she's doing this because, well, why would she? These people haven't been acting like grown-ups since they thrust themselves into the media limelight this entire time, I don't know why we'd expect them to start doing so now. He returns back to his bachelor pad to find her stuff gone. She probably did leave him a note, but I highly doubt that she speared it on his dresser with a butcher knife. (Now that I think about it, that doesn't really sound as much like The Sopranos as it does like Scooby Doo.)

He reads the note and is ticked off that she's gone. He trashes the place himself, perhaps on purpose to blame it on her, perhaps just out of anger and then realizes that he's done something incredibly stupid and, like everything else in his life, refuses to take responsibility for it and has to blame it on someone else. Either way, I would be surprised if it turns out that Hailey had anything to do with the destruction of the apartment.

I'd also be very surprised if anyone else had anything to do with the trashing of the apartment other than asshat Jon Gosselin because it isn't like that isn't a secured apartment building or anything. It's not like there are not cameras and it's not like there is not security and it's not like just anyone could make their way up there. And have you ever tried to break into an apartment from just the hallway? I haven't either, but I would imagine that the logistics of it make it rather difficult. Thus all of this points to one person. That's right. Dumbass.

He might have figured that a little publicity can't hurt him. After all, about every deal that I had heard that he had in the works hasn't gone through. Since their show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" was cancelled, I haven't heard of any other shows in the works for him. He was so incredibly stupid that he thought that the show worked simply because he was on it. He was so incredibly stupid and full of himself that he thought that even if they were divorced, that he was just so g-d fascinating that the offers would just come rolling in for him. For some reason. When they didn't and he realized that not only did his meal ticket not exist anymore, but he realized that he was the one that tore it up, well, that's when times get tough. And when times get tough, what better way than to continue your delusions of grandeur than to trash your own apartment and blame it on a woman?

And if for some reason you're at this point and you don't quite see how out of touch Jon is with everything in this world, let me share with you another little tidbit that his lawyer, Mark Heller, is quoted by Radar Online as saying: "Jon feels like he was raped." You know what? Guys don't get to say that. Guys don't get to say that they feel like they've been raped, got it? You know why? Because they don't, that's why. Jon Gosselin, you Dip-S, you don't have any idea what it's like to be raped. You don't have any idea what the fear of rape is like. But regardless of that, are you so effing stupid that you can't figure out that having your fairly newly purchased things stolen from an apartment that you've barely been living in for less than six months and that those are not the equivalent of "rape"? If you think getting ripped off is like being raped, you're going to be in for a huge shock if you ever are actually raped one day. A HUGE shock. That's when you'll realize that the two really have absolutely nothing to do with one another at all. Any by trying to equate the two like that, you have really succeeded in doing a couple of things.

One, you've succeeded in completely minimizing the trauma and the brutality of rape. And two, you've succeeded in making it crystal clear what a completely selfish a-hole you really are. If we never have to hear about you or your pathetic, self-serving existence in 2010 or ever again, it will be too soon. Goodbye, 2009! And take Jon Gosselin with you!