Have It Your Crazy Way

Once again, we have certain folks freaking out over a commercial for a national fast food chain item. And once again, this annoys me.

The culprit this time is Burger King and something called a Steakhouse XT, which, according to SlashFood, "boasts 7-ounce patties that spill over their corn-dusted buns, with a base topping of mayo, lettuce, tomato and ketchup." And while that sounds just marvelous, it doesn't really explain what the X or the T stand for. (Extra Tasty? Extra Toppings? I don't know.) But it's not the X or the T that are in contention here. The problem is the ad that Burger King was running to sell this meaty, meaty burger.

I will say that as a general rule, I have a problem with all ads that Burger King runs simply because I hate that creepy king mascot thing that they have in all of them. What is with that thing? Why is that an effective means of marketing anything? But my being all weirded out by the King isn't the problem here. The Washington Post says that the problem, according to the "Arlington-based National Alliance on Mental Illness, one of the nation's largest mental health advocacy organizations" is that the commercial is offensive to those with mental illnesses because it feature the crazy looking King running through an office building and breaking through a window pane before giving some office working woman one of these sandwiches before being tackled by two guys who kind of look like Steve Martin in "The Jerk". Those guys explain that the King is "insane" and "crazy" for offering his sandwich for the low, low price of only $3.99. Wait. What now?

Correct. That is offensive to people with mental illnesses, according to a one Michael Fitzpatrick who is the executive director of the above cited organization. He says, "I was stunned. Absolutely stunned and appalled." Really? At what, exactly? "He called the ad "blatantly offensive" and hopelessly retro in its depiction of mental illness, adding that the commercial could lead to further stigmatization, the primary barrier for individuals to seek out treatment. "We understand edgy," Fitzpatrick says. "But this is beyond edgy. Way beyond." Oh, please.

Am I to believe that if a person with an undiagnosed mental illness were to view that commercial that they would re-think the decision to go out and get some treatment? I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think that ever HAS happened. The only thing that a commercial like that is going to further stigmatize is royalty having enlarged, plastic looking heads with constantly creepy smiles on them. Other than that, I don't think that there's much to worry about.

But see, that's just me. I am not Mr. Fitzpatrick, nor am I a one David Shern, who is the president and chief executive of Mental Health America in Alexandria. He claims that the ad is "a perfect storm of images and words coming together." OK. I'll buy that. Most things on TV are a storm of images and words coming together. I don't know that much of what is on TV these days is what I'd call "perfect". He also compared it "...to an advertisement using the word "idiot" while featuring someone who was mentally challenged." He's clearly never seen Family Guy.

You'd think that mental health groups would have other things to worry about. Don't their clients have enough made-up issues so that it's at the point where they don't have to start creating anything new to worry about. Trust me. There's a whole lot of crazy out there in all shapes and sizes. You're going to meet a lot of folks before you start running out of crazy and have to start inventing more. But it's mental health groups like these who flipped out over "Vermont Teddy Bear's 2005 Valentine's product, which featured a "Crazy-for-You" teddy in a straitjacket" and over a "2007 General Motors commercial in which a robot jumps off bridge after being fired from the assembly line." Listening to complaints like those makes me want to put on a straitjacket and jump off a bridge myself.

According to Ad Rant, in light of these complaints, Burger King has gone ahead and done the one thing that I despise more than anything in these situations. They caved. Apparently "Burger King has since pulled the ad from national rotation (although it may continue to run in local markets). A Burger King representative issued a statement that the ad's "creative concepts" were meant "to highlight the King's unchecked enthusiasm about giving his guests a steakhouse-quality sandwich at a great price and were not intended to reflect any group or situation." Correct. They weren't intended to reflect any group or situation. SO WHY PULL THE AD?!

I am telling you that the first company that stands up to these ridiculous complaints and issues will be hailed by the consumer public as Gods. All they need to do is issue a statement saying, "Sorry. We weren't making fun of you. The ad will continue to run. Get over yourselves and good day." That would be enough for me to give that company all of my future business for whatever it was that they were selling (with the possible exception of Klan gear, but since I'm so sick and tired of companies caving like this, even the Klan gear might not sway me). It's not offensive to anyone. Knock it off. (And if you happen to indulge in this particular burger, let me know how it is, as it looks absolutely delicious.)

The Burger King commercial which offends no one is below. I'm not saying the commercial makes any sense and I'm certainly not saying that it was money well spent (nor can I really endorse paying four bucks for a fast food burger), I'm just saying that it's not offensive.

A Famine Is Not A Shortage

I'm always amazed at how very, very few good commercials there are out there. It's not that hard to capture the interest of the viewing public. All you really need is some sort of talking animal and we're hooked. Any variation from that theme and you're really playing with fire. But some commercials are just so absolutely ridiculous that I find it amazing that anyone ever thought that they were a good idea in the first place.

My case in point here today is a Denny's advertisement which I, sadly, have yet to view. It has apparently disappeared from the airwaves and it has disappeared from online. (I didn't know it was possible to make something completely disappear online. Is it only things that aren't naked that can completely disappear?) But the fine folks over there at Asylum were kind enough to fill us in on the details of not only a commercial, but also a promotion that I find simply inexplicable.

Apparently, the often roadside and frequent neighbor of La Quinta restaurant chain "...was offering unlimited pancakes and fries". Really?? I am a big fan of pancakes and an even bigger fan of fries. And what am I really a fan of? Both of those things in an unlimited quantity, that is correct. But why would they be offering such a remarkable feast? Why, "...to mark the 150th anniversary of Ireland's potato famine." Oh. Awkward.

Wait a minute. Didn't, um, like...oh....a million or so folks die from the potato famine? Yep, I think they did. And Denny's felt the need to commemorate this with unlimited food?! That seems ill advised at best. (By the way, what do pancakes have to do with it? Potato pancakes? I mean, the whole idea is not good to begin with, so maybe that's why I don't get why pancakes are included. The whole thing doesn't make sense, so they might as well throw the pancakes in, I guess. I'm pretty sure there was never a Pancake Famine.)

Were the folks in the advertising department unclear as to the meaning of the word "famine"? I'm thinking they got it confused with the word "shortage". There was a potato shortage in Ireland in 1849, 1850, somewhere around there. But it's not like the shortage didn't have consequences. Hence the term famine! WHO thought this was a good promotion? (And how in the world did they remove all instances of that ad from the freaking Internet?! That might be the real story here!)

Of course, a Facebook page protesting this and claiming that Denny's hates the Irish has popped up. (I'm not including a link to it because the wall of said page seems to be full of idiots commenting and isn't really worth a link from here. There is a link to it on the Asylum page that I linked to above if you need a good dose of idiots ranting about nothing.) For God's sake, can nothing happen in this world any more without a freaking Facebook page being created by some mouth breathing paste eater who thinks that they're making a difference by doing so? The page currently has 1,860 members. There are approximately 36,000,000 Americans with Irish heritage in this country of about 350,000,000. There's not exactly a national uproar about this is my point.

Do I think Denny's hates the Irish? Um, no. I don't. Do I think that anyone at Denny's in their advertising department should lose their job over this? Um, no. I don't. It was a rather ridiculous idea, I'll give it that. But the thing is, it's not like just one person is responsible for this inane-ness. I'm guessing that there were at least several people involved in the creating and filming and approving of this ad. Several. How is it that not ONE of those folks saw this and said, "Um, say...you know, I think a lot of people died during that little tater problem they had over there. I don't know if we should be offering free french fries to mark the anniversary of a bunch of people starving to death. And by the way, what in the world do pancakes have to do with it?" Why did no one think that? How many people thought this was a good idea and why?

According to The Irish Echo Online, one of their readers who saw the ad (and inexplicably felt the need to write, not to Denny's, but to The Irish Echo Online) wrote, "What's next, free latkes for the holocaust?" Ohhh. Dark. But point well made. Seriously. What's next, Denny's? Got anything to commemorate the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation? I'm going to let you insert your own joke here (I'm a little bit afraid to do it myself, as I get enough wacky email as it is) as you think about how well that would go over.

In summation, I'm pretty sure that Denny's does not hate the Irish. (And if they did, I'm really sure that they wouldn't go around advertising it.) They probably need to be a tad more discerning about the talent that they hire in the advertising department. (Perhaps a history major for consulting purposes. Lord knows they can use the work.) But other than that, they're just Denny's. That pretty much sums it up. Oh, but if you know where this ad can be viewed online, please let me know. I'm dying to see it. And more importantly, if you know how to completely and entirely remove something from the Internet, let me know! I find that aspect absolutely fascinating.

Holy Crap! Best of Craigslist!

I have written before about how I love craigslist. It's the posts that make it into the "Best of Craigslist" section that are really more of an art than they are an online classified ad of some sort. I have figured out that in order for a post to make it into the "Best of" section, it really seems to help if the author is any combination of the following:

Frustrated

Funny

Desperate

Angry

Also, an extensive vocabulary is a must if you're striving for "Best of". Very extensive. Like the post below which makes use of the term "loquacious". I love that. It's hard to fit "loquacious" into everyday conversation, so I appreciate that this person managed to incorporate it into her ad.

On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE

of the caucasian persuasion

funny

loquacious

driven

single (that means not LEGALLY married)

under 38

over 23

not a baby-daddy

drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)

sarcastic

well-mannered, for appearances

able to leave work at work. this implies employment

educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)

NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE

act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...

Over one-night stands.

Very comfortable in my skin.

Unafraid.

Equally unashamed.

Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL

bowl

play trivia

act like raging dickheads in public establishments

giggle at midgets

fornicate regularly

discuss books

drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often

laugh at others and harder at ourselves

one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT

involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.

yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset

be dishonest

care what everyone else thinks

do any activity with one another's family more than once a month

act like something doesn't bother us, when it does

throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

No, I do not know what "Dirty Sanchez" is. Please don't ask. Hmmm. And after a moment of ponderance, please don't tell me what it is either. I don't think I want to know anything more about Sanchez and why he may or may not be dirty.

Over here in Minneapolis, one fine ad writer is offering up his services at the low, low price of only fifty dollars. Fifty dollars? To do what, you ask? Why, to teach your cat to walk on a leash. Maybe.

Well, there are no guarantees, but it can be done. I am a dog person by nature, but have slowly taught my cats to walk on a leash outdoors. So many people have stopped and said, "'I've always wanted to do that, how did you you do it?" that I figured I might try to pass on some knowledge for a minimal fee.

Walking your cat is great fun, and they love it. One of mine took to it right away and still sits meowing at the door to go out; the other, who I got when he was older, was terrified of the outdoors at first, but has come to love it. Most felines would love to be outdoors, smelling and feeling new things, even if they're scared at first. Most people just don't give them the chance.

Cats after three years old may not be able to acclimatize to the outdoors and all of its stimuli; some cats hate the harness; and others may just be housecats, pure and simple. Them's the breaks.

Teaching them how to walk takes time and patience, but it is rewarding. I should add that they rarely walk completely like a dog (i.e. your cat won't jog next to you), and will sometimes decide, "Hey, let's slow down and lay down here for a while, this bush smells good," you can train them to walk alongside you on a leash for long periods of time. Once they get that first taste, they love it.

And once you can do that, you can take your cat to the beach, to the park, to the lake, etc. A whole new world for them, and fun for you.

My fee for an hour or so of instruction is fifty dollars. I will bring one of mine over as a demonstration and talk to you about the various steps to take. I can't guarantee that your cat will learn to walk on a leash, but if it does your fifty will be well spent.

While I can appreciate the entrepreneurial nature that the above post comes with, if I'm going to spend fifty dollars for something that only might happen, I'm going to spend it in Vegas. At least then, even if what might happens doesn't, it will still have been enjoyable.

But what we have below is pure genius. What a guy. Sounds like he'd be a blast to have as a roomie. Click the image to make it larger. If it's not large enough, try over here at BuzzFeed and that should be plenty big enough for you.

Fakeroversy at the Super Bowl

We've got the Super Bowl just right around the corner. Well, it's next week. I realize that's a pretty big corner, but it's still pretty close. And when it's Super Bowl time, that's when the station that's airing the game starts to wrap up finalizing all of the commercials that are going to be shown during the game. Already there is a lot of controversy over some of the ads and they've got nothing to do with those cute Clydesdales.

What we have stirring up some fake controversy (yep, another fakeroversy) is an ad that was paid for by the Christian conservative group Focus on the Family. Conservative. Family. Yep. You guessed it. They're "pro-life", also known as anti-abortion. This ad is going to convey the meaning behind the theme of "Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life." It is also going to contain a one Tim Tebow (apparently a really good collegiate quarterback for Florida) and a one Pam Tebow, the mother of the aforementioned Tim.

According to the huffy folks over there at the Huffington Post the ad will be "...chronicling Pam Tebow's 1987 pregnancy. After getting sick during a mission trip to the Philippines, she ignored a recommendation by doctors to abort her fifth child and gave birth to Tim." Um, OK. But can I just say something here? I want my freaking Clydesdales back!!

Look, do I personally care if this group wants to buy this ad time? No, not really. I'm not offended by it. It doesn't particularly bother me because of the subject matter. However, lately it has come to light that abortion has been illegal in the Philippines since the 1930s and it would have been odd for the doctors there to recommend such a procedure. See, that does bother me. You want to send your anti-abortion message to a bazillion people watching a football game? I guess if you have the money for that, you can do so. But I'd really rather that you didn't. And here's why:

I like the commercials during the Super Bowl. I find them to be interesting and hilarious. (And in the case of the GoDaddy commercials, I find them to be interesting and...uh....um...what? Oh. Sorry. I was just envisioning GoDaddy commercials of the past and got distracted. GoDaddy isn't so much pro-life or pro-choice as much as it is pro-breasts.) I want to see interesting and hilarious commercials during the Super Bowl. I especially want to see interesting and hilarious commercials during the Super Bowl if I am watching said game at a venue with other people, some of which may or may not have imbibed just a little bit too much of any sort of alcoholic beverage furnished for said viewing.

You're never going to come to a nationwide consensus on whether or not abortion is OK or not. And from what I can tell, people have some really strong opinions about the whole matter. Don't believe me? Just ask that dude down in Kansas who blew away the abortion doc whilst he was sitting in church. I'm thinking that if your opinion is so strong that it leads you to justify blowing other people away with a gun while they're in church that you're not going to be swayed very easily to see the other side's point of view, you know what I'm saying?

And the last thing I want is a room full of people who may or may not have been drinking and who may or may not have extremely strong opinions about this whole abortion matter. That right there could turn the Super Bowl into the Super Brawl. It's supposed to be fun! Why do are we being subjected to commercials about abortions?!

Can you imagine if this sort of thing catches on? What if next year, instead of having all of the cute little dogs and horses unite in their ways to pull some sort of decrepit wagon into Small Town, USA so that all of the residents can have icy cold beer (some with a minimal amount of calories), we were instead subjected to political ads? And abortion ads? And gay marriage ads? And grandparent visitation rights ads? Oh, my God, I'd hang myself.

We could find ourselves in the not so distant future, sitting down for the big game with our family and friends with some youngsters, hopefully belonging to said family and friends. We could find ourselves saying to said youngsters, "You know, Billy...it wasn't that long ago that the commercials during the Super Bowl were really funny! Yes! Funny! There used to be these horses...Clydesdales, they were called...furry hooves, boy were they a hoot! But now, we've just got these political commercials all the time and...my God! How many of these with President Hillary are we going to have to sit through?!" That would be rough. Really. Rough.

It's not a controversy that CBS sold a commercial spot for an ad that is going to be anti-abortion. It's not. It's a fakeroversy. If there's such a problem with it, what say you pro-abortion folks roll out your own ad and get your message out there as well. And actually, I wish that they would. I'd find that very interesting, because I'm not all that aware of many pro-abortion advertising mediums of late. It's a tricky thing to advocate without sounding like a villain, I get that. But maybe try the Clydesdales! People really enjoy those!

Really, what are people worried about? That the ad is going to sway people into what? Not having abortions? I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think that anyone out there that is contemplating an abortion is going to change her mind simply because of the possibility that their child could grow up to be a college football quarterback. I don't think the reason that they're considering the abortion in the first place is because they're worried that the youngster won't be good at sports. I think that has next to nothing to do with the decision. Besides, the only people that one would have to be concerned with being swayed by something like this would be the Supreme Court. And from what I can tell, they're about as anxious to have anything to do with the subject as I am, that is to say, they don't want to touch it with a ten foot pole. Nor do I think that they're the sort of bunch that's going to be swayed by a freaking ad airing during the Super Bowl.

By the way, below is a Bud Light ad which was rejected as a Super Bowl ad a couple of years ago. Apparently, its subject matter was not suitable for the big game. Suitable or not, its freaking hilarious. And I'd rather watch that than I would watch a commercial having anything to do with abortion.

I can only hope that this will be the last "serious" ad which will air during the Super Bowl. We're not wanting to have brawls with drunken family members because of an argument instigated by an anti-abortion commercial. We're wanting to be happy drunks. Drunk and happy and covered in grease and sauce from too many Buffalo wings. That's what we want. We're America. It's what we strive for. Now...where are those horses? What about that talking E*Trade kid? He's a riot.

Wait! It's just come to my attention that the actors in the above disallowed Bud Light commercial have an encore commercial. Please, please, please let it make it to the Super Bowl this year. We can handle this can't we?